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Next Year's News

Source:Uexpress.com Author:Andy Borowitz Date:03/25/14 Click:

Creators Syndicate - January: After paying five billion dollars for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.

February: Responding to the controversy over the CIA's waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration's opposition to videotaping.

March: As the writers' strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second "Transformers" film without a script, just like they did with the first one.

April: Monica Lewinsky will announce her candidacy for president of the United States. She will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, "It worked before."

May: Attempting to bolster flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its recruitment slogan from "Army Strong" to "I Can't Believe It's Not a Civil War."

June: Population experts will warn that the world's population will soar in 2008, largely due to the Spears sisters.

July: China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name "Delicious Cupcakes."

August: Sen. Edward Kennedy will abandon plans to write his memoirs, explaining, "I can't even remember what I did last night."

September: At the Republican National Convention, GOP nominee Mike Huckabee will select Jesus Christ as his running mate.

October: O.J. Simpson will be convicted in Las Vegas, proving that it is easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia.

November: President-elect Michael Bloomberg will defend the five-billion-dollar cost of his campaign, arguing, "Rupert Murdoch paid that much for The Wall Street Journal, and I get a whole country."

December: In his last official act, President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The president will withdraw all U.S. troops — through Iran.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook," published in October 2007. To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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